Or at least that is how it feels.
My maternity leave is halfway finished. I have spent most of it fretting that it was ending too quickly and trying to find a way to avoid having to return to work next Spring.
I was having these constant debates with myself about what to do. Should I sell things on Etsy and if so what things? Should I draw or write? Should I finish my MATESOL?
Then this week came along. I took a deep breath and decided to do the mature thing and finish the MATESOL.
But they wouldn't have me.
So now what?
I made a couple of little things but that is all they seem like, little things. Nothing much worth selling and the fun would go out of it if I made multiples. So no Etsy.
Writing is fine except the only reason I want to write is to: A: Help generate global empathy B:Stay home with my family
Do you see that? I am not interested in writing fiction anymore. Or at least not for the time being.
I do like writing and I do want to connect with people but I no longer think it will be through fictional stories.
And as for my drawing, I love drawing. I really do. I know I am not great but it makes me excited that I get to learn to do more. So I will draw. But not for profit. Just because.
So it brings me back to the problem of income. I have four kids, I must generate the funds to take care of them properly.
What to do? What to do?
I will do what I do. I will write about what we do. I have been keeping a little bulletin of a blog about our life for many years but now I will keep a dedicated record. For myself, for my kids. Because in the end, if I was to really only have six months left, the only thing I could do (besides for playing a lot of lottery tickets) would be to make a lasting document of my never-ending love for them, the bright stars of my universe.
I will write here. I will write there.
And I will piece together a collection of essays and self publish it this winter. That way other people can see how we live and hopefully this will help them generate empathy for other families as well as patience with themselves.
It's a good idea, no?
I am also going to start doing lots of things that I have always wanted to do. Study Japanese. Exercise. Teach the boys to write and read. Cook macrobiotically. Laugh many times a day. Take naps. Draw. Cook food for the homeless. Connect with others. Learn how to be patient with myself.
The just because things that make life what it really is.
I have been reading a lot of articles about the power of positive thinking and aspirations. Talking to the universe and all that.
So this here blog will be my open letter to the universe. And my first letter includes this major request: give me more time. I need to be with my children. Help me find the way to self-sufficiency and economic independence.
I am much obliged.
Seriously. Thank you.
