Friday, August 17, 2012

I have six months to live

Or at least that is how it feels.
My maternity leave is halfway finished. I have spent most of it fretting that it was ending too quickly and trying to find a way to avoid having to return to work next Spring.
I was having these constant debates with myself about what to do. Should I sell things on Etsy and if so what things? Should I draw or write? Should I finish my MATESOL?
Then this week came along. I took a deep breath and decided to do the mature thing and finish the MATESOL.
But they wouldn't have me.
So now what?
I made a couple of little things but that is all they seem like, little things. Nothing much worth selling and the fun would go out of it if I made multiples. So no Etsy.
Writing is fine except the only reason I want to write is to: A: Help generate global empathy B:Stay home with my family
Do you see that? I am not interested in writing fiction anymore. Or at least not for the time being.
I do like writing and I do want to connect with people but I no longer think it will be through fictional stories.
And as for my drawing, I love drawing. I really do. I know I am not great but it makes me excited that I get to learn to do more. So I will draw. But not for profit. Just because.
So it brings me back to the problem of income. I have four kids, I must generate the funds to take care of them properly.
What to do? What to do?

I will do what I do. I will write about what we do. I have been keeping a little bulletin of a blog about our life for many years but now I will keep a dedicated record. For myself, for my kids. Because in the end, if I was to really only have six months left, the only thing I could do (besides for playing a lot of lottery tickets) would be to make a lasting document of my never-ending love for them, the bright stars of my universe.
I will write here. I will write there.
And I will piece together a collection of essays and self publish it this winter. That way other people can see how we live and hopefully this will help them generate empathy for other families as well as patience with themselves.
It's a good idea, no?

I am also going to start doing lots of things that I have always wanted to do. Study Japanese. Exercise. Teach the boys to write and read. Cook macrobiotically. Laugh many times a day. Take naps. Draw. Cook food for the homeless. Connect with others. Learn how to be patient with myself.
The just because things that make life what it really is.

I have been reading a lot of articles about the power of positive thinking and aspirations. Talking to the universe and all that.
So this here blog will be my open letter to the universe. And my first letter includes this major request: give me more time. I need to be with my children. Help me find the way to self-sufficiency and economic independence.
I am much obliged.
Seriously. Thank you.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Encyclopedia of Life











After listening to this E.O. Wilson talk (a big favorite of mine), I was hungry for some bacteria to draw.

it is about the little things...

Then I headed over to the project he started, The Encyclopedia of Life. Oh, how have I lived without knowing about this website? It is brimming over with amazing images and information. A HUGE source of inspiration. And I feel really jazzed up right now, creatively. I have had a rather productive weekend and feel ready to tackle my growing (and exciting) to-do list.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

It's such a good feeling...

DAY 3
DAY 3
DAY 3

Last night in the shower, I broke out into song, unexpectedly as I never sing in the shower. The song that couldn't hold itself back was none other than the Mr. Rogers song. For those of you who do not know or remember, the lyrics go like this:

It's such a good feeling to know you're alive.
It's such a happy feeling: You're growing inside.
And when you wake up ready to say,
'I think I'll make a snappy new day.'
It's such a good feeling, a very good feeling,
The feeling you know that we're friends.


Fred Rogers is definitely a role model of mine. I grew up with Mr. Rogers and now that I am older, I look back fondly on my time spent with the soft-spoken host and do not recall there being a television screen between us. Mr. Rogers really believed in children, in the innate good nature of humans. In Buddhism, we call that nature Buddha nature. Mr. Rogers was a major supporter of healthy families, knowing that healthy families create a healthy country. I see that here in Japan where the children are the focus, where adults willingly sacrifice for the sake of the family knowing that their children will in turn sacrifice for the next generation.

But back to the song and in particular that very first line. This is something we forget as we go about our days. We might remember it with a few glasses of wine or on a roller coaster ride but we cannot carry it in the front of our mind as we go about our regular routines. So my mantra today will be just that: "It's such a good feeling to know you're alive". I want to see how far it will take me today.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Ocean of Intentions

morning sight

Last year I bought my partner a book called Ocean of Dharma, since his dharma name is Ocean of Diligence. The book is structured around 365 quotes from Chogyam Trungpa, curated by the editor of the daily email digest by the same name as the book.

Part of my new year includes giving myself ten minutes in the morning and evening for sitting meditation. It sounds like an easy gift, 20 minutes a day, but for a working mother of small active children, it is a gift that must be forcibly taken from the daily demands of caring for a family. To help keep me on track, I decided to use this book as material for reflection. Though each entry is only about a paragraph, I read them before each sitting. The first one helps me to frame my day's actions and thoughts and the second reading gives me a chance to reflect on the day and how I used the words of wisdom, or didn't use them. I am of course only on Day Three but I like the rhythm that it is giving to my days and I hope that it is a resolution I do not abandon.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy 2012!

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It is such a relief to be finished with 2011. This year has a lot of promise and a lot of weight and emphasis. My hope for this year is to have the strength and energy to do what is necessary and what I want.

Wishing you the best! Happy New Year!